My Soldier
by AddisonZhang
Summary: The sequel to "My Hero" This fic is part 2 of 3, focusing on the week or two following Eren's health scare while training. When Eren wakes up knowing the darkest secrets of Levi's past, how will Heichou respond? Can he trust Eren to keep his secrets? Can he trust himself to be both a friend and a superior officer in this more complicated time period?
1. Chapter 1

"Eren?"

He knows it the second that the glazed look comes into the boys' eyes. A look beyond the usual dumbfuck, shifter haze of confusion that he is used to seeing during these type of training sessions.

"Oi! Eren!"

The boy falls limp in his arms before Levi even realizes that he ran to catch him. Levi's hand brushes over Eren's pale face, trying to rouse him. It's molten hot and bathed in a sheen of sweat. He retracts his hand quickly, like he's touched a stove—a dirty stove still hot from cooking supper.

"Hanji!"

She comes scampering over only a second after Levi's gruff call. "Waaah~! Eren!" She wails, reaching through Levi's arms to cradle the boy herself. "What did you do to him?" she moans accusingly.

"Tch. Go inside and set up a bed for him."

Soon, Eren is draped lazily in Levi's arms—completely unresponsive—being carried back into the Survey Corp HQ. He's almost literally burning up. Levi isn't sure if it's his imagination or if the boy is actually steaming. It seems likely considering his abilities.

"Hurry, hurry, on the bed!" Hanji is saying, scuttling about like an anxious squirrel. _Her favorite science experiment is malfunctioning_ , Levi thinks cynically, _no wonder she's having a heart attack._

He's not worried. No, not at all. Well…not as much as Hanji anyway. His face shows no sign of whatever tiny amount of worry that he may or may not be feeling as he tucks Eren's near-lifeless body into the bed that Hanji has prepared.

Eren groans a bit as Levi positions him neatly in the bed, repositioning his arms to lay neatly against his sides. "Lazy brat," he mutters, making sure to say it loud enough so that Hanji will overhear. "This is _not_ the way to get out of training."

"What's wrong with him?" Hanji asks, quickly flicking a glance in Levi's direction before starting on Eren's vitals.

"I don't know; you tell me."

Her look of concern quickly turns into one of confusion. "His vitals are all normal…" she shakes her head and takes a step away from the bed, bringing a hand to her chin. "Hmm. Very interesting. Really very interesting! Seems like he got completely worn out and just…fell asleep."

"Makes sense," Levi says, leaning back on the wall near the bed. They had been training all day, after all.

"In which case…" she goes on, not listening. "…this is a great chance to study how long it takes for him to 'recharge!' Excellent job, Levi!" She gives him an excited little shake that he hates and rushes out of the room in search of paper to document this, crying, "Keep an eye on him!" over her shoulder as she leaves.

With Hanji gone, the atmosphere in the little bedroom is entirely changed. The apathetic look doesn't leave Levi's face, but his jaw softens as he peels himself off of the wall and moves to sit on the edge of the bed. It dips slightly under his weight but Eren doesn't stir this time.

"Just fell asleep, huh?" he sneers softly, "You're some shitty excuse for a soldier."

He watches Eren's face. Just a boy. Always a boy. Always for as long as Levi can remember, Eren has looked just the same. Except for when he's a Titan. Now _that's_ different. That was something that Levi hadn't expected—so much so that Levi wasn't sure that it was the Eren he knew for the first few days. But when that pang of realization hit home, Levi almost lost his steely resolve.

It was in the court house after Eren's tooth was already out and scattering across the floor. Something in the way that Eren had looked at him made it impossible _not_ to remember. The Eren kneeling on the floor in front of him taking the full brunt of his kicks was the same Eren who had held him close in the cave back in the Underground. The same Eren who had sent him off to Kenny Ackerman. The same Eren who—

"Uunnhg….wait, wait…"

Levi perks up at the sound of Eren's sleepy groaning. He sits still, watching intently, waiting to see if the boy will say anything else. Eren's brow is creased in a worried look, his expression twitching slightly.

 _Is he dreaming?_ Levi wonders. _It is even possible to dream when you're so tired that you faint like that?_

Hanji comes barreling back into the room before Levi can tell one way or another. Erwin's voice follows close behind her in the hall way. "Fainted?"

"Yes, just completely wiped out. Levi's been pushing him and pushing him all day long—who knew we'd get such a great result!" They file inside of the small bedroom, Hanji smiling brightly and Erwin looking terse as ever.

"Levi, what do you make of this?" he asks. Levi shrugs and gets off of the bed as nonchalantly as possible.

"I'd like to monitor this very closely," Hanji goes on. "If I can set up some monitors, perhaps we can—"

"We'll just leave someone in here until he wakes up," Erwin says. "We can take turns."

"But—"

"Any change in his condition would be reported to you immediately, of course," Erwin concluded. Hanji gives a feathery sigh.

"Oh fine. I get first watch."

Levi can't help it. He shoots Erwin a look of displeasure before he even knows what he's doing. But in the split second it takes Levi to get his face back to normal, Erwin has already raised an eyebrow in recognition.

When they're walking down the hall side by side, Hanji left behind in the room with Eren, Erwin is saying, "What's wrong, Levi?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"I saw that look."

"Tch." Levi pinches up his lips in annoyance.

"Well?"

Prompted, he feels that he has to say something. If it were someone else he wouldn't give in, but this is Erwin and Erwin deserves at least a half-truth in response. It's better than nothing. "Can we even trust Hanji to let him rest?"

Erwin chuckles—very much not the reaction that Levi was hoping for. "I doubt that she could wake him if she tried. He seemed completely out of it. What did you do to him, Levi?"

"Nothing," he grits, frustrated. He would never say it out loud, but he doesn't want Hanji in there with Eren because _he_ wants to be there instead.

"You switch with her in two hours—if he's still asleep by then," Erwin says, pausing at the corner where they will separate. "Let me know if there are any changes, alright?"

Levi consents with a stubborn little nod and they part ways.

Three hours later, Levi is getting bored on the edge of Eren's bed. The brunette has been lying still for the past hour—and apparently for all of Hanji's two hours as well.

"He must be beyond exhausted," she had said on her way out. "He's like a corpse aside from his normal heartbeat and breathing. I really doubt that he'll wake up any time soon."

Now, Levi is starting to question why he was anxious to be sitting here in the first place. "Tch, Eren, what's the meaning of this? Making everyone hover over you." He shakes his head like he's reprimanding an awake version of the boy. He even watches Eren's face for a response but nothing comes.

Levi sighs. He's uncomfortable so he brings his legs up onto the bed, sitting cross-legged. The blankets bunch up underneath him so he tries to smooth them back into place.

"Plea—"

It's such a soft little moan that Levi barely hears it, but his head pops up just in time to see the anxious expression has consumed Eren's sleepy face once again.

"Sah please…."

He thinks his heart has stopped. Everything's cold. It's too familiar, like a flash of lightning, shocking as Eren's transformations, licking through him.

 _"Please sir, spare some money? I'm starving, sir, please. Some money? Just one coin. I'll bless you forever…."_ It's Eren's voice in his memory, back in the alleyway when they stole the food years and years and years ago. Levi's eyes bore into the boy, horrified.

 _No. That's impossible._

But then again….Levi feels his heart start to chug faster as the confusion of the past few weeks threatens to overwhelm him.

They'd met by Wall Rose, Eren unconscious in the arms of a girl, Levi coming down from above to save their lives. They'd been strangers in the jail cell, before Levi had made the connection that this Eren was his—his from all of his life. But when Levi knew it, Eren had showed no signs of remembrance. Frustration had been Levi's only friend for the past few weeks as he hovered over Eren, helping him train, yes, but all the while searching for any sign that the boy knew who they were in connection to one another.

But now…now Eren was mumbling things in his sleep that hadn't been said since Levi was a child. Could it be possible that the boy was just now meeting Levi in the Underground? Now, so many years later?

The thought makes Levi nauseous.

"Eren," he snaps, hoping to wake the boy. It couldn't be. He was wrong, he was wrong about all of it. He had to be. The Eren he knew should be an adult by now. They'd done things…seen things…far too much of Levi's past and secrets had been revealed to him.

If that Eren—that Eren who knew more about him than anyone else in the world—was here, now, _a child_ ….Levi didn't know what he would do.

 _I'll have to kill him_ , he thinks, watching the boy sleep entirely differently now—like watching a target. Yes, he'll have to kill him. Because if Eren were to wake up with that big mouth of his flapping about Levi and about things that no one was allowed to ever, _ever_ know….

Or worse: If Eren were to wake up with a look of disgust and pity in his eyes, all of it directed at his senior officer who he had worshipped only hours before….

Well, if that were to happen, Levi didn't know what he would do.

It's not until the second day of Eren's sleep when Levi is dripping water from the tip of his index finger past the boy's lips that he finally comes to accept the existence of time travel. Somehow someway Eren is in the past with his younger self even as he sits here on the bed in the Survey Corp HQ.

It's crazy. Far too crazy for him to accept for awhile, but it does make sense. After all, Eren has been the same for as long as Levi has known him. Always 15 years old and dorky looking. Always fumbling around Levi like he's nervous, trying and failing to not call him 'Heichou.'

Sitting on the bed, Levi can partially follow the journey that Eren is going on. Sometimes the boy will mutter something that sends Levi spiraling into a flashback, as if he's out of body watching his younger self interact with the boy. It's a terrible experience. Terrible because he has come to expect that it will soon end and that means Eren will wake up with that look in his eyes that Levi dreads.

And then Levi will have to kill him.

It shouldn't be hard. He can make it seem like Eren shifted without permission and tried to hurt him.

The boy's soft giggles catch Levi's attention, now. He must be back in the cave, watching Levi experiment with the 3DMG for the first time.

 _Dumb brat,_ Levi thinks, feeling a bit bitter that the boy finds his younger self so precious. He's a corporal in the Survey Corp for god's sake. He can't have cadets finding him adorable. At least—not out loud. He hopes that Eren isn't this noisy in his sleep when Hanji is keeping watch.

A bead of water drips out of Eren's mouth due to the giggling and Levi frowns. _So messy._ He dips his finger into the cup again and gently presses a new drip into the boy's mouth.

Erwin comes into the room that evening. He sits on the bed opposite of Levi.

"So? What do you think?"

What does he think? He thinks it getting dangerously close to the memory of Eren turning him over to Kenny—something that he _does not_ want to sit through and remember again. But that's not the kind of answer that Erwin is looking for.

"Hanji thinks he should come out of it soon," he said tonelessly. "He's been more active in his sleep." Active is an understatement really. His mutterings are becoming increasingly intelligible and Levi is terrified that someone will be able to decipher them other than himself. Not only that, but Eren has been thrashing around in bed more as well, clearly growing more and more agitated as things go wrong in the past.

When Levi looks up again, he finds Erwin's ever stoic expression staring back at him under the set of blonde eyebrows. "I know what Hanji thinks. What do you think?" Levi says nothing, turning back to gaze upon Eren's writhing form. "Do you think you were too hard on him?" Erwin prompts, clearly expecting an answer.

"No, I don't," he replies, stubborn but sure. "A little adversity is good for young people. It makes us who we are." He doesn't know if he's talking about Eren or himself, he just says it.

"Well," says Erwin thoughtfully, his breathing very steady, like a well maintained clock. "I guess you would know about that, if anyone would."

Levi ignores the pointed comment. Erwin knows more about him than most people, but not nearly as much as Eren will know when he wakes up. "We aren't who we are without our trials," he says, pushing the disconcerting thoughts away.

But he knows that he can't push it away for long. He can tell from the way that Eren's body has tensed up in anguish that things are coming to a head.

Eren wakes up on the morning of the third day. Hanji comes running in, shouting excitedly, waving her hands, asking him a million questions before the poor boy has hardly even opened his eyes.

"Ha—Hanji san…" are his first words. Nothing about Levi. Not the gasping, horrified, "Heichou?!" that Levi is expecting. He can't take any chances though. Levi does his best to shoo everyone else out of the room. It takes awhile, but eventually Hanji is gone and the door is closed, leaving him alone on the bed with Eren.

There is a long, long silence. Much longer than Levi has ever heard Eren be quiet for, so he knows that there's something serious on his mind. What is it? What is he thinking? Things about him? _He won't look at me_ , Levi thinks. _I should make him. I can make him. I'm his superior officer._ He thinks. But he won't. He waits and he waits, his heart puttering like the child he knows Eren has been with for the past three days. Foolish. Stupid. Insecure.

He can't help it.

Eren knows too many things now.

So he doesn't do anything, he just waits for Eren to look to him because he knows that he will…eventually. And when he finally casts a sidelong glance at him, Eren's eyes are wide.

"How are you feeling?" Levi manages to get out without sounding as unnerved as he actually is.

Eren gives a shaky little sigh. "Not too well, Heichou."

"Mmm. I was wondering when you would go back," Levi says softly. "I didn't expect it to be during shifting practice." He fights down the urge to swallow the saliva that is pooling in his mouth. He's afraid it'll sound like a gulp.

 _He's already seen me weak. Too weak. I can't show that to him again now. I have to put on a good face._ Yes that's right. After all, he still hasn't decided whether he's going to have to kill the boy or not.

Eren raises large green eyes to meet Levi's. Can he see through the hardened exterior expression now that he knows so much? _Don't keep waiting for him to do things,_ Levi scolds himself, _you're in charge here._ He forces himself to talk.

"When I joined the Corp…and I lost Farlan and Isabel…that's when I remembered about _you_ , Eren. I knew that you'd come but honestly I was expecting a stupid, over enthusiastic recruit shitting his pants after one of Erwin's speeches, not a Titan. Even though your name was Eren, the fact that you were a shifter kept me from suspecting that you were _my_ Eren."

Why is it coming out so much weaker than he had planned?

Too late. "It was in the court room, when I finally got a good look at you in the light," he goes on without control, shaking his head slightly, "there was just no denying it. And then later on, the first time that you said it."

"Said what?"

"Levi Heichou." _Dammit all. Damn Eren._ "When you said it a few weeks ago—that's when I knew, Eren. So many people call me that but it's never the same as you."

"So you remembered for once and I didn't…" Eren's mutter catches Levi off guard but he refuses to let it show on his face this time.

All of a sudden Eren droops his head down into Levi's lap. His eyebrows pop up in surprise, but before he can question it, the boy asks, "Is that why you were always staring at me, Heichou? Trying to see if I remembered you?"

"Tch." He doesn't have words. His tongue is stuck to the roof of his mouth. He can't do anything but brush a stray strand of hair out of the boy's eyes. Finally his mouth works again, scratchy and hoarse, "That's right, brat. On top of making sure you didn't fuck anything up, I was waiting, wondering when that dumbfuck look of worship for me would finally go away."

Eren's eyes pop open again, slightly disturbed. "What? Why would it go away?"

Why? There's a million reasons why. Levi makes a frustrated face and then closes his eyes because Eren is beneath him, staring up at him too innocently to be real. _I know what you've seen. I know what you know. Don't you look at me like that. Don't you dare mock me…_

He wants to push Eren away just as much as he wants to hold him close. He doesn't know anything anymore.

And then the boy is getting up, shifting the blankets around in that messy, childish way. When his arms come—warm and sure—clasping around Levi's neck, the corporal has to actively choke down a sob.

"Well…I hope it doesn't annoy you too much, Heichou, because that look is never going to go away," "I'm glad I could go back and be with you when you needed someone. I don't care about anything else, Levi. Just that I'm your soldier and you're my hero."

He wonders somewhere in the back of his mind as his arms find their way around Eren's waist, how he could ever have considered killing him.


	2. Chapter 2

"Heichou, Heichou," Eren is mumbling, nuzzling his face softly into the crook of Levi's neck. "Heichou I'm so sorry, you know I had to." His hands fumble around on the back of Levi's shirt, grasping here and there like he isn't sure how to hold him all of a sudden. He's sniffling weakly, probably getting snot on Levi's clothes.

"Stop it, Eren."

"Are you still angry?" Eren cries, clutching tighter instead of drawing back. Levi can't help but sigh.

"No. Now that's enough." He doesn't seem to calm down, however, even as Levi finally starts to hold him in return. "Eren…" Why does he always have to be such a child? "You can't do this."

He makes a low whining sound deep in his throat like a beaten dog. "Oh _, Heichou_! I'm so, so sorry. I didn't want to do it. It hurt me more than anything! Please—"

"Eren!"

Startled, the boy flinches back, almost breaking the circle of Levi's arms around his waist.

"You can't do this here," Levi says a bit sternly. "Hanji will come back in any time, now. You know she can't stay away for long. Besides, this is really out of character for you. What happened to the head-strong, idiot brat that I'm responsible for?"

Eren lets out a shivery sigh as he tries to obey. His face twitches with the effort to suppress his emotions. It's so adorably expressive that Levi can almost hear the boy thinking, " _Levi's right. I'm just being stupid."_

And really, he is being stupid. The past is in the past—although it only happened a few moments ago for Eren, apparently. But regardless, crying and whining about how unfair the situation had been is the absolute last thing Levi wants Eren to be doing.

He wants the boy's mouth shut about it. He wants it to blow over and for things to appear perfectly normal to the rest of the Survey Corp…because how _the hell_ can they ever explain to anyone what had transpired between them? They can't. And Levi is not even slightly interested in trying. He's been hiding and hiding his past for all of his life, and he won't allow anything to compromise it further, now. There's already enough rumors about him…

"Sorry," Eren mutters again, much less emotionally now. He sounds almost grim, like he's ashamed of himself for acting out.

"Tch." Levi shakes his head. "I have to go complete the report on this incident with Erwin," he says. "Get some rest and—"

"I've been asleep for days. I'm not tired."

"No, you've been fucking around in my past for days," Levi corrects with a biting edge to his voice that makes Eren look away. He has to end this nonsense as quickly as possible. And the boy gives in.

This goes on for days. Eren wants to cling, even as he gets up and around again and back to training. He wants to be close by his commanding officer, but all Levi wants is to push him away. Not because of any malice—certainly not—but for the safety of his secrets for one thing, and also for the safety of his career! What would people start saying around camp if _Lance Corporal Levi_ was suddenly caught being too friendly with the juvenile Titan Shifter? He has to be careful.

It's on the sixth day after Eren's awakening when the boy can no longer handle it.

"Heichou!" Levi hears Eren's frustrated shout from behind him after finishing their training for the day. Levi had told him 'good work' and then begun to leave without so much as a pat on the head. "Heichou, _please_ ," Eren cries, dropping his voice down to a harsh, pained whimper. "I have to talk to you. Please!"

Levi's footsteps falter as he allows himself to pause. Eren's tone of voice is what gets him. It's entirely too meek and fragile sounding to be ignored. The boy is clearly desperate.

"What is it, Eren?"

He hears the boy's choked sound and then his footsteps as they stutter toward him. A hand touches Levi's shoulder. "You…you won't even look at me." It's a miserable accusation, not a question really. With a sigh, Levi gives in and turns back to face the boy. As soon as he lays eyes on him, Levi's eyebrows leap up in shock.

Not two seconds ago Eren was training flawlessly—his expression serious, his body strong and sweating—and now, all of a sudden, he was crying. Actually crying! With silent, twin tears falling down his dirty cheeks.

"Tch. Eren…" Levi shakes his head. Why must he be so childish all of the time? Even when they were both kids, Eren had always been like a child compared to him. "Come on, let's go," he mutters, grabbing Eren by the arm and leading him back into the castle, his grip softer than it probably looked.

"Wha—where are we going, sir?" Eren sputters through tears.

As usual, Levi doesn't feel the need to answer, but before long they round the corner and make their way into Levi's private quarters down the East Wing of the castle. He's already calling himself loads of foul names in his head for giving into the boy's whining, but before he can regret things enough to send him away again Eren is blubbering,

"I don't know what you want me to do! I'll apologize again and again—as much as you want! I'm so sorry, Heichou, you know I am! And I'm trying my best in training, I swear—"

"Stop it."

Eren's head pops up from its bowed position and he stifles his crying at Levi's soft order. The corporal's voice sounds tired.

"Alright, Eren?" He plops down into the bed beside the boy. "Just….enough. I'm not angry with you. I said that already."

The mattress that they sit on shifts and blankets bunch up as Eren tentatively inches closer. "Really? You're not mad?" Levi shakes his head a bit. "Then why won't you talk to me? You won't even look at me," Eren mutters again, accusatorily. Levi doesn't much care for the tone.

"Tch. What do you expect, shitty brat? Hmm?"

"I don't know, I just—"

"I'm not angry at you. I'm not. But I have to be careful," Levi says grittily, his voice trailing off behind his teeth and leaving the air on edge.

After an unconformable while, Eren dares to ask, "Careful of what?" But before the corporal can even open his mouth to reply, Eren's chin has drooped down again and he shakes with stifled crying, groaning, "Of me? You don't trust me anymore."

 _Fucking hell. What am I supposed to do in this situation?_ Levi shifts uncomfortably next to the weepy boy, grimly trying to think of a resolution. The whimpers aren't very loud and they won't draw anyone from this far down the East Wing, but none the less it bothers Levi and he wants to make it stop.

He thinks rationally—thought after useless rational thought—until the whimpering drives him mad, and he does something he never does—he does something stupid. Eren's childlike face is in between Levi's hands in a split second.

"Stop crying, Eren, please," he half-commands, half-pleads. The boy's wet, green eyes are so huge that they reflect Levi's entire face back at him. Levi closes his eyes so he won't have to see himself grow large and distorted as he leans in and presses his lips against the boy's, squashing them hard, smothering the whimpers.

Eren chirps out an alarmed little noise and then goes stiller than a statue. He doesn't move a muscle—just sits there motionless, wide-eyed, letting Levi's warm, dry lips soak up his tears. Only when the corporal draws back a bit does Eren finally exhale. "Heichou?"

"We can't act like this anymore, Eren—not like before, anyway. We have to be careful because no one can ever know about me, or us, or anything. Do you understand me?" He doesn't—not really, at least half of what heichou just said is confusing to Eren—but he nods his head anyway. "Good," Levi breathes softly, his right hand wandering up Eren's face to brush the hair back off of his forehead. "As long as we're clear on that…then everything will be fine. Everything can be how it was then, alright? So you don't have to worry about it anymore."

They sit for a long time in pleasant silence, Eren staring at his commanding officer with an awestruck expression. It's cute and it doesn't bother Levi too much. "Yes, I know. I look different now and you look exactly the same as back then," the corporal says with what might be a chuckle. "You don't have to keep staring, though. You look stupid."

"It's not that."

"Oh?"

"Well, I mean, yes, that. But….I mean….you kissed me," Eren explains. His gaze falls shyly.

"Tch, Eren." Levi shakes his head and gives the boy a little nudge. "It's not like we've never _kissed_ before."

The look of confusion that crashes across Eren's face is so dramatic that Levi can't help a little chuckle. "When?" Eren gasps. "When did we…?"

"Don't act cute, brat," he half-growls, pecking at the boy's lips again and giving him a good natured nip. But to his surprise, Eren doesn't giggle or give in at all. Instead, he leans away and blushes a terrible shade of red.

 _He really doesn't…know? Doesn't remember?_ Levi blinks in surprise, staring at Eren who practically cowers a few inches away—his confusion making him feel frightened. "Shit." Levi runs a hand back through his hair, working through the tangles that the wind caused with his fingers. "Fuck, I'm sorry, I thought you—"

"We didn't yet."

Levi glances over to the door, suddenly feeling terribly self-conscious, as if someone would come barging in at any time. "In the Underground?"

"No, never," Eren mutters. "Not yet."

"Shit I'm really sorry, then." Levi watches Eren for a moment and when the boy doesn't move back to him, Levi gets up from the bed.

Eren's face turns up to him immediately. "Don't go!" Their eyes lock onto one another—both uncertain and a bit lost—but a smile grows on Eren's tear streaked face. "I'm not mad at you, I promise," he teases softly.

"Tch." Levi digs at the throw rug with the toe of his boot and shakes his head. "Cheeky brat."

"Can…Could I maybe kiss you back? Me first this time? So I can get the hang of it, I mean," Eren stammers, righting himself into a more upright, confident position. "I might have done it before, but I still have no idea what I'm doing."

He thinks for a bit, wondering if he should decline now that the boy has stopped crying like he wanted—that was the whole goal of this anyway…but the pull of the bed and of Eren's side are stronger. "Wash you face first," he grunts, "you're disgusting from training, you know."

Eren is nervous at first. Levi finds it terribly entertaining, considering how backwards time has become. Years before, back in the Underground, a more confident, brash, romantic Eren had been the one convincing a younger, less confident Levi how to kiss, and that it was _okay_ to kiss. That is could mean, "I like you," or "Yes, you're worth something to me," instead of just pain and fear and control. Now, seeing how hard Eren is working at getting it right in order to please an older version of himself, Levi suddenly understands why Eren had been such a good kisser years earlier.

And he is working _hard_. The boy wants to kiss him for hours on end. He wants to kiss him every night before he is sent back to his own room to sleep, he wants to kiss him before Levi leaves for little missions. He even tries to sneak little kisses here and there whenever he thinks no one was watching—which is not nearly cautious enough for Levi's taste.

"Eren, for God's sake!" he finally complains one afternoon in the grassy field where they train. The boy had tried to kiss him outside in broad daylight once too many times and Levi had finally had enough of it. "What did I tell you about being _careful?_ How stupid can you get? _"_

"Sorry, Heichou," Eren murmurs, his tone not nearly serious enough to pacify the older man.

With a dangerously fast flick of his arm, Levi snatches Eren up by the elbow and whips his body around, straight on to face him. The way that the boy stiffens dramatically and then relaxes in Levi's harsh grasp makes him feel something that he hasn't allowed himself to experience in a long time. As soon as he feels it, he freezes dead in his tracks, commanding words stopping short, frozen on his lips.

Eren must notice the changing look on Levi's face, because he cautiously asks, "What's wrong?"

What's wrong?! _Fuck_ , Levi thinks, immediately releasing Eren and taking a step away. A slight panic is rising up in his chest, making it hard to breathe. He can't feel like this. He _can't_. He's an adult now. He's the boy's superior officer. He's Humanity's Strongest fucking _Soldier_.

"Heichou?"

The realization that had been hiding behind his subconscious all along comes fast and hard now, like a punch in the gut. He should never have allowed the two of them to go down this road. He knew what kissing with Eren always inevitable led to… _fuck_ why had he kissed the kid in the first place?!

"I'm sorry," Eren is mumbling, starting to turn away. His head droops and his gaze falls, and then— "Oh…uh."

Levi growls something half intelligible and takes another step backward. Brazen as ever, Eren looks up at the Lance Corporal's face in surprise and Levi feels his whole upper body grow hot.

"Captain, I had no i—"

"Shut up, Eren," Levi commands, raising a warning finger. "It's not—"

"Is it my... Uh…are you…"

No. He's not doing this right now. Without another word, Levi turns and stalks back into the Survey Corp HQ—back to his bedroom to hide until the blasted erection goes away and stays away. _Fucking shit…_

It's so unfair, he thinks. Really, extremely unfair. Of course, he would never utter such melodrama aloud, but honestly, nothing could be more stupid than the situation that he finds himself in now: sitting on the edge of his bed, willing the stupid thing to go away with all of his might. _Go to hell, you perverted fucking shit._

When he was—what? Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen years old?—Eren had been there now and again to pick him up when he was beaten down or to lift his chin and wipe his tears when the world was hell. He had come and gone randomly, like an angel, it had seemed. He had kissed him. The first kiss Levi ever had that was life and not death…it was Eren. Because before that, there had only been Kenny. Levi had gotten to work with Sammy and Farlan, sure, but they were still Kenny's boys, always.

And when Levi had gotten to the point where sex was just hate and humiliation, Eren was there to show him that it could be something else.

Eren had shown him everything! Doubtlessly because Levi had shown it to him first…now…here…under these circumstances? _It's impossible,_ he sulks. It doesn't matter how much history the two of them have—or _will_ have—and it certainly won't matter to anyone how much he loves Eren. (And he does, oh god he loves that boy more than life. Eren is his Savior.) But that won't matter. He'll be branded a pedophile. He'll be stoned and forced out of the Corp…or laughed at and shoved back Underground where someone like him belongs. Which is worse?

Just as the impossibility of the situation has him ready to use his blades for something more personal, there comes a knock at the door. A pathetic little chuckle breaks from Levi's lips, because he should have expected it. The voice on the other side of the door is utterly unsurprising.

"Heichou? It's me, Eren." In the brief pause, Levi imagines the boy looking down, biting his bottom lip, and then looking up again with twice the determination. "May I come in? Please?"

He doesn't say anything in response, he just makes his way to the door, silent as a mouse, and pops it open a hair before returning to the bed. Eren creeps in behind him and he knows that he boy is being extra thoughtful and cautious for once because he hears the _click_ of the door latching shut.

"Are you…" a pause as Eren searches for the most considerate phrasing, "Are you feeling better?"

Levi hangs his head for half a second before he remembers that he's in charge here. He meets Eren's big green eyes in a slow but steady movement. Eren watches him back with that veiled but brazen intensity. His eyes zero in on the twitch in Levi's jaw just before he speaks.

"We were together." Eren's eyes come back to Levi's at the frankness of his words. "In the past. But you didn't go there yet?" Levi has to focus intently to keep his voice steady. _This is terrible, this is all wrong._

Eren is blank for a moment, thinking, and then he just barely shakes his head. "No, not yet, I guess."

Levi nods but says nothing. _What the hell am I supposed to do here? I'm ruined._ He swallows and nods and swallows. Eren must be doing the same because when he speaks again it comes out a little weakly.

"We…did things? Then? That's why you said we kissed. Before."

A nod. Levi's back to looking at Eren's knees because his eyes are too green and his face is too young. Even though it has always been the same, it's somehow too young, now. "We did." _I'm fucked._

"I see."

"I don't…I _don't_ expect anything of you, or…want to—"

"I know."

"—hurt you or do anything that could be considered inappropriate. I'm much older than—"

"I understand."

"—and you know me, Eren. You know about me. I'm the last person who would try to…hurt you or take advantage of you—"

"Heichou, I—"

"—I…I fucking, just, you know that I would never. Fucking _shit_!" He's losing his mind; his hands are rubbing his head raw through his hair. "I am your superior officer here and I—"

"I get it! But Heichou, it doesn't matter, it's not—"

"Shut up, Eren!" Levi is practically gasping for breath now. _Control, control, control. Get ahold of yourself, you worthless idiot._ At his outburst, Eren has fallen silent, although that frustrated look of insubordination is strong on his tan face. "Shut up, please. This isn't fun or exciting or whatever dumb, shitty thing you think it is. This is the worst possible scenario—"

"Why?" Eren snaps, upset and challenging. "Because I'm messing things up for you?"

The way Levi scrunches up one side of his top lip and stares at Eren—the wrinkle that sits there, strong, in between his nose and his mouth, and the dangerous slit of his eyes—even that doesn't make Eren shrink back from his comment. _Stupid fucking brat has no idea…_

"Tch." He has to look away because _goddammit,_ this boy is the death of him. His career, whatever positive bits of a reputation that he had scraped together of the years, his professional relationships, his worldwide fame…it's all going to get flogged off of him word by word, look by look and he knows it. "Because," Deep breath, "Because I fucking love you, Eren. And I can't stop myself and I can't make it go away and I can't make _you_ go away. So it's all fucked. You understand?"

The boy breathes deeply and the challenging look melts off of his face, a soft, sad looking smile replacing it. "I do understand," he whispers, shaking his head as the smile grows bigger and sadder and Levi feels himself melting too.

"It's all fucked."

"I completely understand because I love you, too, you know."

He's not nodding, he's shaking his head but he's saying, "I know, Eren." Levi's nails are biting his palms red, his stomach is flying around inside of him and Eren is coming closer step by little step repeating himself.

"I love you, too. I do. I love you, too, Levi."

"You don't know, Eren, you don't understand. It's—"

Eren is there, crawling up on the bed beside of him, touching him on his shoulders on his face, shushing the words away even though they're true and they're real and they're death… "No, I do understand. But it's ok because I promise you, I'll come with you wherever."

"Eren—"

The boy's lips come soft but sure, pressing up against Levi's. They stay and they move while Eren's fingers touch Levi's face, wiping at tears that aren't there physically. "I just love you, so it'll be okay, Heichou," he vows into Levi's mouth.

There is no ground, no earth, just promises of doom in front of him and a little bit closer before him is Eren. So Levi does the only thing to do; his arms come up and wrap around Eren's strong back, clinging to the boy as the world tips around them.

He tries to give in.

Half of him is dying and the other half is coming back to life after years of silence.

Eren's lips are moving along his jaw, down his neck, on his collarbone, kissing and sucking too hard and he should stop him because he's so young and unexperienced and he will leave marks on Levi's pale skin by accident. And innocent accident. He doesn't know. But for some reason Levi can't make his mouth work to say anything.

His heart is here, getting lost in a soul that he has known throughout time. Words could never describe how much he had missed Eren's irregular but constant intrusions into his miserable life. The boy is sunshine, and this time it had been a long, long night. And it's true, of course, that nothing will ever be able to make his feelings change. Nothing and no one. Not the others boys who had known him. No, none of them knew him quite like Eren did. Not women, not fame, not Titan kills, not time, not space. Nothing.

So why fight?

And his body is here, beside Eren, above him sometimes, beneath him others. He's being experimented on. The moppy brown head moves around, nibbling on him here and there, occasionally encouraging the erection that they're both terribly embarrassed of, but never stopping for more than a moment or two. And he's so warm. So inviting. Levi's hands trace over the boy's body as he figures things out. He's in awe, again—a second first time. And it's magic.

So why fight?

But only half of Levi's brain is here. The half that has to answer Eren's innocent questions, the half that has to tell him not to try too hard, not to go too far, and encourage him and make him feel safe even though Levi himself has never felt quite this brand of vulnerable—that part of his brain is here.

"So how does it—"

"Not today, don't even worry about it," half of him replies automatically, and Eren goes back to kissing him.

The other half though—it's far away. It's everywhere _but_ here. It's in Erwin's office, when he's being dishonorably discharged from the Survey Corp. It's in the streets where he has to run and hide because he betrayed three rings of people who needed him to be Humanity's Strongest Soldier. It's in the Underground when he's back to being the whore's boy. Kenny's boy. Nothing, or at least nothing left but dishonor and shame and filth.

"Levi?"

Back to the beginning. Hadn't he just gotten out of there? He can feel the muck and the filth and the feeling of worthlessness just as real as Eren's hot body up against his.

"I'm here. Now," Eren is saying directly into his ear, pulling him back into the bed. He must have noticed that Levi was wandering away. "I know…" Levi's eyes focus again and he sees Eren there for the first time in a few minutes. The boy is still snuggling up against him, still kissing him, but there are tears streaming down his youthful face alongside the sad, sweet smile. "I know that I didn't know you for the past few months, and I can't imagine how that must have been for you. But _,_ " His hands are soft and they hold Levi's face on both sides, just like before when he was young, "I swear to _God_ that I won't leave you again unless you want me to. Never."

Levi squeezes his eyes shut and swallows a shaky breath. He allows himself to come back here, 100% here in Eren's arms, accepting it.

"And I'll do whatever you say. I want to. You wouldn't be taking advantage of me."

Levi exhales in a light sigh and brushes the hair back from Eren's sweaty forehead. "Alright. Enough already, stop talking," he says softly, and he gently takes the lead, starting with a new sort of kiss that's deep and full of heat.

 _Back to the beginning…_ It'll be hell and he dreads it with everything in him. It fills his guts with ice and makes him feel like a child again: terrified and helpless to protect himself or the ones he loves from harm. But if Eren is there with him…well, Eren was with him in the beginning the first time, too, wasn't he?


End file.
